No one told us about this

Expecting parents often focus on the practical aspects of caring for a newborn. They may overlook the significant emotional and relational challenges of the transition to parenthood.

Becoming a parent is a life-changing experience that can bring immense joy, but it can also bring feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, and depression, which can lead to stress and conflicts. Having this conversation can help you navigate these challenges and strengthen your relationship.

Discussing potential challenges

Your baby

Babies cry, have trouble sleeping, and can be difficult to soothe. For some babies, these challenges are tougher because they have colic, feeding difficulties, or an underlying sensitivity to their environment, making it hard to identify and address their needs. This can leave parents feeling overwhelmed and exhausted more often than not.

‍Sleep deprivation

In the first few weeks, your baby will likely wake up every 2-3 hours for feedings and diaper changes. This can be tiring, especially as you recover from childbirth and adjust to being a parent.

Hormonal changes

After giving birth, women experience a rapid drop in estrogen and progesterone levels, which can mess with their emotions. You may feel super moody, easily irritated, or just sad. These hormonal changes can also make it harder for you to sleep, which only adds to the emotional ups and downs.

Anxiety

Increased anxiety is common as a new parent, and you may worry about things such as:

• Am I a good parent?
• Am I doing this wrong or making a mistake?
• Is my baby still breathing?
• Does my partner still love me?
• Is my baby normal and what will I do if there’s a problem?

Many new moms and dads often feel emotional and even anxious after having a baby. This is totally normal.

But sometimes, you can go through something more intense and longer-lasting called postpartum depression (PPD). In rare cases, there's also something called postpartum psychosis, which is an extreme mood disorder that can develop after childbirth. But that's not as common as the baby blues or postpartum depression.

Postpartum depression - in women and men

PPD affects about 1 in 7 new moms and 1 in 10 new dads. If neither of you realizes what's going on, you might struggle to support each other during this time. This can lead to communication problems, resentment, and feeling isolated from each other, which is the last thing you need when you're trying to navigate parenthood together.

‍Know the signs of PPD

Moms may feel an intense sadness and hopelessness that won't go away, even weeks or months after the baby is born. You might feel disconnected from your baby, have panic attacks, or feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood.

Dads can experience it differently, like sudden anger outbursts, irritability, drinking more, losing motivation, or even having suicidal thoughts. For dads, it'll likely hit you the hardest around 3-6 months after the baby is born and can last well into the kid's early years.

The most important thing is to be there for each other, pay attention, and check in regularly. If you notice signs of PPD - in yourself or your partner - talk to each other. If things do not get better, reach out to a healthcare provider. With the right support and treatment, PPD is manageable, and you'll be able to enjoy this exciting new chapter in your lives fully.

Work

A lot of new parents in the US feel the pressure to go back to work pretty soon after having a baby. It could be because you need the money or want to keep your career on track. Either way, handling your job while also caring for a newborn can be exhausting and overwhelming.

You might start feeling guilty or like you're not doing enough because you're trying to do a good job at work and be the best parent you can be. It's not easy.

Household tasks

Once simple tasks, such as cooking meals, doing laundry, and keeping the house clean, can become challenging with a newborn who requires constant attention. This can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment, particularly if one of you feels like you're doing most of the heavy lifting.

Check out our article on this topic to figure out the right dynamic for sharing responsibilities.

Lifestyle changes

Your life will change after having a baby. The freedom and spontaneity you may enjoy today will probably be replaced by more structure after the little one arrives.

How drastic this change is depends on your parenting style, but it's not uncommon for new parents to feel a bit isolated or like they've lost a part of their identity, especially if you're used to having an active social life or have big career goals.

Different opinions on important topics

You might have different opinions on how to raise your child, who does what around the house, or how to manage your finances. It's totally normal to face these issues, but it's important to talk openly about them.

Discussing ways to handle challenges

Work through Daisy's Guide

We created Daisy's Guide to help couples like you tackle all the tricky stuff before your little one arrives. Things like figuring out how to juggle work, household tasks, and taking care of a newborn, all of which will affect your emotional well-being and relationship.

By working through these topics and any differences of opinion now, when you're not dealing with the extra hormones, emotions, and stress that come with a new baby, you can strengthen your relationship and step into this new chapter as a team.

Create a sleep strategy

Discuss taking turns with nighttime feedings and diaper changes so you can both get some rest. When your baby naps during the day, try to nap too, even if it's just for 20-30 minutes. There’s no right sleep strategy; make sure you communicate and find a plan that works for both of you.

Talk about stress management

One of the skills all parents need to learn is how to cope with stress. What works for one person may not work for another, so be open to trying different strategies.

Discussing how you'll manage stress will be important for your day-to-day as a parent, and it'll be especially important for any situations where you feel like you might hit a breaking point. If this happens and your partner (or anyone else) is not around to help, it's okay to place your baby somewhere safe (for example, in their crib) and take a few minutes for yourself.

Deep breathing, music, or talking to someone can reduce heightened levels of stress. It's normal for parents to feel like this at challenging times. Take the time to allow yourself to regroup, and know that this will pass.

Breathing techniques

One helpful way to manage stress is through deep breathing and relaxation exercises. When you feel tense, take a moment to close your eyes and focus on your breath. Inhale deeply through your nose, letting your belly expand, and then exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat this a few times to calm your mind and reduce anxiety.

Self care

Prioritizing self-care is also crucial. Even small moments for yourself can make a big difference. Whether it’s taking a relaxing bath, reading a book, or enjoying a hobby, schedule some “me time” into your day. Remember, caring for yourself helps you be the best parent you can be.

Social connections

Maintaining social connections is important, too. While your focus may be on your baby, keep nurturing relationships with friends and family. Reach out for emotional support and accept help when offered. Joining a new parent support group can also provide a valuable way to share experiences and get advice.

Supporting each other

Finally, support each other as partners. You are adjusting to your new roles, so be patient and understanding. Communicate openly about your needs and work together to find solutions. By leaning on each other during stressful times, you’ll strengthen your bond and create a loving environment for your baby.

Talk about conflict resolution

The first year of parenthood is a learning experience, and resolving conflicts isn't always easy. With patience, understanding, and teamwork, you can overcome any obstacles that come your way.

Framing things

One useful communication strategy is using "I" statements to express your feelings. For example, instead of saying, "You never help with the baby," try saying, "I feel overwhelmed and would appreciate more support." This way, your partner is less likely to feel attacked, leading to more productive conversations.

Listening

Listening actively and empathetically is also important. When your partner shares their thoughts or feelings, give them your full attention. Avoid interrupting or becoming defensive. Instead, ask questions to better understand their perspective. Creating a supportive environment for open communication helps you both find solutions that work for you.

Staying focused

Stay focused on the issue at hand. Don't bring up past fights or unrelated stuff during an argument. Take turns speaking and really try to find some common ground. Look for areas where you can compromise and focus on solutions rather than getting stuck on the problems.

Setting aside time

Setting aside time to discuss any issues is also helpful. Regular check-ins, even just for a few minutes each day, can focus on problem-solving together. Remember, you’re a team, and your goal is to create a loving environment for your baby.

Forgiving

Once you've resolved a conflict, try to forgive your partner and let go of any grudges.

Seeking help

If conflicts continue or get worse, consider seeking help from a couples therapist. A professional can provide tools and insights to help you navigate new parenthood challenges.

Going easy on yourselves

Every couple ends up having at least one of those fights where you're both exhausted and can't even remember what started it all. What matters at the end is that you come back together as a team, ready to tackle whatever comes your way.

With time, patience, and a focus on self-care and supporting each other, you will navigate the challenges of new parenthood and enjoy this time with your family.

Additional resources:

• Postpartum Support International, call or text "Help" to 1-800-944-4773 for help with nonemergency resources and support.
• National Maternal Mental Health Hotline, call 1-833-943-5746 for 24/7 support.

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, call 1-800-273-8255 or 9-1-1 for emergency support.

• Conflict Management and Conflict Resolution—When to Use Each One in Your Relationship (VeryWell Mind)