How will we share parental and household duties?
Who does what?
There is no formula to help you figure out the perfect way to share responsibilities when the baby is here. What matters the most is that you’re on the same page as each other and both of you feel supported.
Discussing work schedules & commitments
Before deciding how to divide parenting and household tasks, talking openly about your work schedules and commitments is important. Sit down together and review your daily routines, including work hours, commute times, and other regular obligations like meetings or classes.
This will help you see how much time you have for parenting and household duties. Be understanding and flexible during this conversation, as you may need to adjust your plans to fit the needs of your newborn.
Evaluating existing household duties & routines
Next, review how you manage household tasks. List everything that keeps your home running, like cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and paying bills. Talk about how these tasks are currently split between you and if it’s working well.
Check if any tasks have been neglected or if one partner is doing more. This will help you figure out a fairer way to share responsibilities once the baby arrives.
Considering personal strengths
It’s important to recognize that you have different strengths and preferences. Consider the tasks you enjoy or do well and those you find challenging or less appealing.
For example, one of you might be a good cook, while the other is better at organizing laundry and cleaning. By understanding these differences, you can work together to divide responsibilities in a way that plays to your strengths and makes both of you feel comfortable as parents and partners.
Mapping duties
Parental duties
Feeding
Decide who will handle feeding the baby and when. If the mother is breastfeeding, talk about how your partner can help - like bringing the baby for feedings, assisting with positioning, or preparing meals. If you’re bottle-feeding, figure out who will prepare and clean the bottles. You might also want to create a feeding schedule so both partners can bond with the baby during this special time.
Diapering & bathing
Changing diapers and bathing the baby are tasks both partners can do together. Talk about how to share these responsibilities, maybe by taking turns each day or during shifts. Make sure both partners feel comfortable and know how to change a diaper and bathe the baby safely.
Soothing & putting the baby to sleep
Babies often need help to fall asleep or feel better when they’re fussy. Discuss how you’ll share this task, like taking turns rocking the baby, singing lullabies, or walking with them. Create a bedtime routine that you both can join, including reading stories, giving gentle massages, or cuddling.
Playtime & stimulation
Playing with your baby is important for their growth. Talk about how you will help with this, like doing tummy time, reading books, playing with toys, or going for walks. Make sure both partners have chances to bond with the baby during playtime.
Doctor visits & health monitoring
You can both track their baby's health and doctor visits together. Decide who will schedule appointments, keep vaccination records, and talk to healthcare providers. Make sure both of you are updated on the baby's health and growth.
As your baby grows, their needs will change, so staying flexible with your parenting tasks is important. Regularly check in about what's working and what needs to change. Be willing to adjust your plans and support each other through the ups and downs of parenthood.
Household duties
Laundry & cleaning
It's important to discuss how you'll share laundry and cleaning tasks to keep your home tidy and avoid any hard feelings. Consider each person's schedule, preferences, and strengths when deciding who will wash, fold, and put away clothes and clean different areas of the house. Make sure to communicate your expectations for cleanliness and create a routine that works for both of you.
Meal planning, grocery shopping, & cooking
Meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking can take a lot of time, so working together is important. Talk about each person's cooking skills, food preferences, and how much time they have. To make things easier, you can create a meal plan together, share grocery shopping tasks, and take turns cooking or preparing meals ahead of time.
Dishes & general tidying up
Doing dishes and keeping things tidy can become overwhelming, so it's important to have a plan. Discuss whether you'll handle these tasks as they arise or set a schedule for each person. You can split the tasks based on what each partner prefers or is available for. If one of you feels stressed, make sure to talk about it.
Bills, budgeting, & financial management
Managing money is important for keeping your home running smoothly, so agreeing on who will handle finances is vital. Discuss who will pay bills, create a budget, and make financial decisions. Consider each person's strengths with money, and plan regular check-ins to make sure you're both comfortable with your finances.
Pet care & other household responsibilities
If you have pets or other household tasks like yard work or maintenance, discuss how to share these responsibilities. Think about each partner's experience, interests, and availability when deciding who will feed, groom, and exercise pets and handle other chores. Keep communication open about your expectations and be ready to adjust your plan so both partners feel supported and valued.
Sharing expectations & concerns
If you're giving birth, make sure you both understand postpartum recovery. It will vary by person and type of birth, but ideally, the new mom can focus on the baby and her recovery—with limited responsibility for household chores—for at least two weeks.
It'll also be helpful if you've had a chance to talk about parental leave and childcare before having this discussion (check out our articles on these topics here and here, respectively) so that you know if you'll both take leave, how much, and when as well as what you plan to do about childcare.
Tackling different phases
Consider tackling this discussion in parts: how you'll share responsibilities immediately after the baby is born, a few weeks later, and a couple of months later, especially if one or both of you plan to return to work.
If only one of you plans to take parental leave, has a longer one, or will be a stay-at-home parent, you'll likely take on more parental and household responsibilities during the workday. However, this doesn't mean that you need to take on everything, and you'll want to discuss how to share responsibilities during evenings and weekends.
Creating a schedule
Creating a rotating schedule for certain responsibilities can be helpful, especially if one of you is already prone to picking up more than their fair share of the workload. This doesn't mean that a 50/50 split for all tasks, whenever possible, is best. Some couples may opt for this, but the ultimate goal is to find a balance that works for your family dynamic.
Or not creating a schedule!
Schedules aren't for everyone, and if you prefer a more informal approach, that's okay! We don't really have a schedule except for alternating night duty in case our baby wakes up and needs our help.
What helps us make this work is knowing that we both want to have the opportunity to bond with our baby and develop our parenting skills while preventing burnout and resentment. Although there are times when we have tried to pawn a diaper change off on each other, overall, we both trust each other to be there and step up.
Getting help
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you may also want to discuss getting help. Grandparents, siblings, or close friends may be willing to assist with childcare or household tasks, providing you with much-needed breaks or time to focus on other responsibilities. If you don't have a strong support network or require additional assistance, explore the option of hiring professionals such as postpartum doulas, night nurses, or cleaning services.
Communicating & adjusting
The first few weeks and months with a new baby can be unpredictable. Finding your perfect balance may require some trial and error. It's okay if things don't go according to plan. The key is to keep communicating with each other and be willing to pivot when necessary.
Schedule regular check-ins, like once or every other week, to talk about your experiences, successes, and challenges. This helps you stay aligned and address any issues before they grow. Be open to new solutions that work for your family.
If one of you is struggling or feeling overwhelmed, consider sharing tasks differently or finding other ways to lighten the load. Keep working together to find a balance that helps both of you thrive.
Recognizing each other's efforts
Parenting is tough, and it's easy to get lost in the daily tasks of caring for your baby and managing the home. Make an effort to appreciate each other's contributions, no matter how small. Say thank you for late-night diaper changes, meals cooked, or laundry done. Recognizing the sacrifices your partner makes and the love they show helps create a positive atmosphere, even during tough times.
Remembering you're both learning
No one is born knowing how to be a perfect parent. You will make mistakes, have doubts, and face unexpected challenges. Celebrate your successes, learn from your mistakes, and remember that your child is lucky to have two dedicated parents. You'll grow closer as a couple and family by approaching parenthood as a shared adventure.
Additional resources:
we love your feedback!
