From past to present & future

Our childhood experiences, both positive and negative, significantly influence our approach to parenting. The lessons we learned, the love we received, and the challenges we encountered all shape our beliefs about what it means to be a good parent.

Taking time to reflect on your upbringing can enhance your self-awareness. By understanding how your past shapes your present, you can make informed choices, embrace the positive, and break cycles that no longer serve you.

This conversation might bring up some difficult feelings. But by being honest about your hopes and fears, you can work together to create a loving and supportive environment for your child.

Identifying positive childhood experiences

Family traditions & rituals

Think about the family traditions that made you happy when you were growing up. Maybe it was an annual vacation, game nights, or special holiday celebrations that brought your family together. Talk about which of these traditions are important to you and try to include them in your family life.

Parenting styles that nurtured growth & security

Think about your upbringing and how your parents approached raising you. Did they listen well and make time to talk about your day? Did they balance setting rules with giving you the freedom to explore? Reflect on how their way of communicating and handling problems helped you grow and feel good about yourself.

Memorable moments & life lessons

Reflect on the important moments from your childhood that shaped you. These could be a deep conversation with a parent that helped you through a tough time, a fun family outing that sparked your sense of adventure, or an achievement that made you feel proud. Think about the lessons you learned from these experiences and how you can create similar opportunities for your child.

Recognizing negative childhood experiences

Parenting styles that caused distress or insecurity

Were your parents so strict that they made you feel like your opinions didn't matter? Were they so permissive that you felt lost without enough guidance. By recognizing these patterns, you can choose a more balanced approach that gives their child both structure and support.

Unhealthy family dynamics or patterns

Reflect on how your family engaged with each other. This could include constant fighting, poor communication, or a family culture that didn’t allow emotions to be expressed. Other issues might be favoritism, sibling comparisons, or unclear boundaries.

Try to be clear about the experiences that affected you and explain why you want to avoid them with your child. Breaking these patterns can be tough, as they may be deeply rooted in your past.

However, by recognizing these issues and working together to create positive changes, you can give your child a more nurturing and supportive environment.

Traumatic events or unresolved issues

Talking about negative childhood experiences might bring up unresolved trauma or deep emotional pain. If these feelings become too overwhelming, getting professional help is important. A therapist or counselor who specializes in family issues can give you the support and tools to work through these challenges.

Seeking help shows strength and a commitment to creating a healthy environment for your child. By caring for your emotional well-being, you'll be better able to provide your child with the love and support they need to thrive.

Shaping your child's future

By discussing your respective upbringings before your baby is born, you can gain a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives and create a shared vision for your family's future.

Together, you can celebrate the traditions and values that positively impacted your lives and that you want to pass on to your child. And you can seize the opportunity to create positive changes and break any harmful cycles.  

But also remember, parenting is a learning process. No matter how much you plan, there will be surprises and challenges. It's okay not to have all the answers right away - be open to learning and growing with your child.

Navigating differences

You may come from very different upbringings, so it's essential to listen to and understand each other's perspectives. Focus on finding common ground to create a shared vision for the kind of parents you want to be. While learning from your own experiences is valuable, remember that you and your partner form a unique team, and your family will reflect your shared values and goals.

For example, if one of you grew up in a family that prioritized academic achievement above all else and value this, while the other had parents who emphasized creativity and free play and value this, work together to incorporate both of these into your child's life. You could set aside dedicated time for homework and learning, while also encouraging your child to explore their imaginative side.

Additional resources:

• How Today’s Parents Say Their Approach to Parenting Does – or Doesn’t – Match Their Own Upbringing